Hi ladies....how you doing? We've been going through some difficult lessons these past few weeks. Are you holding on? What's the biggest lie you've replaced with Truth? Have you been able to share what you're learning with anyone? Please do share....
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This has been a very challenging study for me. Okay, it’s the hardest study I’ve ever done. But being the hardest, I think I am also expecting to get the most out of it. On my very first day of week 2 I was slammed with a truth about myself that I did not like. I’m not sure I’ve ever before felt like I was truly hit with a 2x4, but it sure felt like it that day. I had opened the book, looked down at the page and as clearly as someone standing in the room I heard the Lord tell me a truth—“You’re bitter.” Just like that. And the first thing I tried to do was deny it. Isn’t it funny that even while I’m seeking His truth so I can overlay my truth with His, and even though His truth matched my actions, the very first thing I did was try to deny it. I realized the denial attempt, I said, “I can’t be—I forgave him.” and then wanted nothing more than to stick my head in the sand and hope for it to go away. That all took about 30 seconds, but it’s 30 seconds I don’t think I will ever forget. Then I took a breath, told the Lord I didn’t want to be like this, and plunged into week 2’s homework. And then came week 3.
Week 3 challenged me to see how what I was clutching in my right hand (and have been clutching for years and years) was feeding my attitude and behavior that I “discovered” during the week before. This was also the week that the Lord showed me that while I had forgiven the other person, I hadn’t forgiven myself. And it turns out, for me, forgiving myself is so much harder than forgiving someone else. Pieces of the puzzle were starting to come together. So now, I realized I could pray for more than just an attitude change, but also changes to my “want to.” Lord, help me want to see myself as You see me, help me want to forgive myself, help me want to open my hand, ask for forgiveness and let that lie go. Week 3 in a nutshell: Jesus is all I need. God is my provider, He is my security, He is the one I want holding my right hand.
Jump ahead to this morning. I was cutting a slice of bread and a thought went through my mind, which brought yet another 2x4 hit. But this time, I didn’t try to deny it (yay! progress) and in fact, I also saw a generational connection. I didn’t see this stronghold during the week of homework (guess it was pretty good at hiding), but the Lord still made sure I saw it. And that leads me to one of the biggest lies that is being replaced by truth. God cares about my feelings! He cares if my heart is broken; He cares if I don’t think I’m good enough, He cares!! It matters to Him. He didn’t just come to bind up the broken hearts of others; He came to bind up MY broken heart. And while I have always known that He CAN, it’s finally starting to sink in that He WILL for me. Not just for everyone except me, but also for me.
I still don’t think I grasp how big, how deep, and how complete His love is for me—I can intellectualize it, I know it, but I don’t think I quite “know” it yet. Does that make sense? It seems so basic that it’s almost embarrassing to say, especially for someone who grew up in church and knowing Jesus. But there it is. I think that’s the next lie on the chopping block…the lie that He loves me because He has to. He didn’t have to…He doesn’t have to…He just does. I just have to let this one sink in a bit more.
OH Beth!! Praise God!! Praise God!! thank you for sharing your heart and progress...those chains are falling off!
Abba Elohim~please continue to reveal deep Truth to us even when it's painful...you want to heal us!! We don't even know what all is hurting us, but you do, so show us. May we all be as receptive as your daughter Beth is. You're up to something good!! As we do our work, you do yours and the result will be praise and glory to you Abba!
It struck me this morning about how the choices our ancestors made really do impact future generations. My great grandparents started a whole new destiny when they immigrated to America, establishing themselves in a new country with new customs, culture, language and occupation. My grandparents were first generation Americans with all that entailed - going to school, translating for their parents, breaking free of the culture and traditions of their parents as they assimilated. Then my own parents - one pulled out of school after 8th grade to work the farm, one raised in apartments in the city with a series of stepfathers. How their upbringings shaped who they became and how they parented: One not seeing anything wrong with how he was raised, the other trying to make sure we kids never had to endure what she went through. You can see how their experiences shaped their decisions and it makes you wonder how your decisions are going to shape not only your kids, but theirs and beyond. It all comes down to this: most people are just trying to do their best with whatever they have. They may be selfish, cruel even, but it's because of their limitations and actually has very little to do with us. The sooner we realize that, the sooner we can let go of the bitterness and regret and move toward making the most of tomorrow.
thank you Laurel~great perspective. blessed are you,
Dear Girls,
I'm sorry to have missed so much class. Ministry, travel, and one Sunday- total fatigue (which ironically, was the Sunday I needed class most, of course)have kept me away. To add insult to injury, I'm behind on the homework, a little bit at first but now quite a bit. I can't wait for spring break to catch up at leisure.
God is still dealing with my pride and marginlessness. I thought when I signed up for the class that I would certainly learn afresh the truth I had learned before, seven or eight years ago, but I also thought I'd make myself available to God, even to Brenda to help in whatever way needed. I actually stood in Brenda's office and said as much. Well, Ha! and double Ha! By the grace of God alone, I've come so far from the scared, pretty depressed woman I used to be, but I have still so far to go.
I am in Phoenix now, about to dive into some study and then off to church here. Randy and I are visiting a former ESL student of mine who has become as dear to me as a sister. She and her husband are seekers. Please pray for an opening this week. I'll fill you in later.
I have prayed for you all as you are studying right now. I wish I were with you. What I am doing, what we all are doing is completely opposed to the work of Satan. He is not happy with our current course of action. I need, we all need God's strength to bind Satan, then His courage and resolve to make time, to throw off the chains from which Jesus has set us free, and to live in and pass on the message of liberty in Christ. I'm preaching to myself. And Beth R. - I had a similar 2x4 regarding God's desire and willingness to love and protect me yesterday. I'm still processing it.
See you next Sunday!
Love,
Sarah
This study has had me on a rollercoaster of emotions and unusual reactions....things I was totally unprepared for. However, I must say that I have been growing and figuring things out that I never had before. It was so incredibly easy for me to remember all the bad "stuff" and have no recollection of the good. I must say that I am stirring up some of the "precious" that I blocked out. I have always remembered the ugly peices, but never the beautiful peices of my past...my mom is always asking "do you remember when we did this or that on vacations? or family traditions?" I couldn't...but it seems that this past week along with some of the "dirt" came some "gems". Thank you for offering this study and for allowing me to "open my can of worms".
There is a lot that I could write here about the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed with His goodness and grace. There are two truths that are my "2x4"s this study. 1. God is big enough, he can change things and people (me!) and I need to pray with that truth in mind and believe it. 2. He has a real purpose for me, He can use me, as ordinary as I am, as clumsy and anxiety filled, the Lord has a plan for my life for His glory and he wants to tell me about it in the Bible. Seems so simple, but I am starting to grasp this for the first time.
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